Playing Chess When The Game Is Checkers

I ran across this article at work this morning.

Got Weeds? USDA's ARS Can Help
Thanks to scientists at USDA's Ag Research Service - weeds won't stand a chance against farmers and ranchers. New technology will help farmers locate and eliminate weed patches. Two methods have been developed to help farmers with site-specific weed management at the ARS Water Management Research Unit at Fort Collins, Colorado - by helping them select the management strategy that's best for targeting weed patches in their fields. A software program - WeedSite - helps farmers predict the results of weed management methods. The WeedSite program uses weed maps of producer fields to calculate the effects of various site-specific weed management practices - providing them with the information they need to make a good decision.

So now we have to have computer software to help us find weeds? Well, in the interest of cutting government spending, I've got a better solution to the problem of finding weeds.

Get Dad mad!

He'll find some weeds for you. Bull Thistles. Canadian Thistles. Ragweed. Giant Ragweed. Cockleburr. Burrdocks. It depends how mad you get him. I'm not one of those guys that will tell you how to do things without having done them myself. So I know this method will work better than any old computer software. Why buy a modem, when a spade will work? Why buy a monitor when a weed chopper will work? Best of all; when they break, you don't need to call a technician. Just grab the welder. When I was a kid we used to have to head to the pasture and wage war against Canada Thistles whenever we got on Dad's bad side. Dad would hand us the "thistle chopper" that he'd picked up at Gasser's True Value for Mom for Mother's Day and order us to combat. It was one of those weed whacker's that had a wooden handle and the metal part at the bottom was a flat piece of metal with serrated edges, about 6 inches long. Kinda like a hockey stick, or a putter with a long, flat blade. Well, we'd whack away, practicing our golf swings, until we confronted a Bull Thistle with a stem as thick as an oak. Undeterred, we'd strike a mighty blow..........and break the blade off!!! With a satisfied smile on our face, we'd head to the barn with pieces in hand, knowing that our thistle cutting was done for the day. Unfortunately, Dad was a step ahead and would give the pieces to my oldest brother, Brian.

Brian was pretty handy with a welder. (I don't think it was by choice. He just figured it was easier to work with fixed equipment. Dad and Grandpa would break it as fast as Brian could fix it, it seemed) Well, he'd take the thistle chopper to the welder, and grab himself a spare section from an old haybine sickle. It was a triangle piece about the size of the palm of your hand with serrated edges. He'd weld that at the base of the blade, not only fixing the chopper, but reinforcing it! Then he'd come into the house where I was no doubt enjoying a popsicle and watching tv, and send me back out. (I sometimes wonder whose side he was on. I think Dad was slipping him a little something under the table)

The moral of the story? Rather than waste government spending on computer software to find weeds, I pledge to cut government spending. If you have weed troubles but don't know where they are, I'll give you the old man's phone number. You call him up, insult him, and he'll head to Gasser's and get you a weed whacker and find your weeds for you. You can handle it from there. I may have to talk to Brian about offering welding services. You better bring your own welder, just in case.